twenty dollars, serious talk

Let me start off with this.  Because anyone reading this could use the reminder.  Myself included.

~A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No
matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ...WHO WE ARE.

You are special - don't ever forget it."~

now.  thats out of the way.

im happy with who i am.  or should i say, with who i was.

But i dont want to go back to who i used to be, if that makes sense.

basically what im trying to say, is.  up until my illness really started to affect my life i turned into a pretty awesome person.  and i still think i am for the most part.  and really, if i could change anything about me, the only thing i would change is the invisible illness that is robbing me of my life.  

i love to clean and organize.  i cant even wash a fucking spoon right now.  i cant do laundry.  i forget to eat.  i forget to drink. and it would seem i have forgotten how to smile, even when im happy.  i dont recognize my blank stare.  i used to be so filled with emotion.  

all gone.  and i cant even rely on my mind most days anymore either.  my world has become a series of fun-house mirrors. my senses are no longer trustworthy.  Its is so overwhelming sometimes i just cant move.  i just cant.

even now.  im laying here agonizing to bring the words to life on this page.  what used to flow so smoothly now gets fragmented in my brain and many times, rolls off my tongue unedited.  thankfully its one of those quirks my coworkers are fondly amused by.  but still.  its not so funny when you cant control it.
Even more frustrating than fragmenting is the comparable words. i either come up with something similar (by sight or spelling) or something that has the same sort of sounds, rhymes, etc.

its no wonder then why i feel the way i do.  i give myself the pep talks.   the pat on the back, good jobs, keep trudging.
truth is though, right now im freaking tired.   each day is so draining.   im caught in  catch 22.  im not able to work to my full potential.  most days i dont evenmake it on time.  i have trouble connecting a to b.  when im baking its a miracle if things actually maike it to the oven, and then shelf.  often i find myself putting things in the fridge, cupboard..  etc.  i dont want to be at work.  i feel if things dont improve my job will once again be in jeopardy.  and yet, if i dont work.  i cant afford to live.

the fact is right now im not living at all.  im not even able to take care of basic daily routines.  im not happy and most days im scared and stressed out.
i know this may end.  but i also know this is my reality, and its always lurking around every corner ready to take advantage of me.
i dont want to be like this for the rest of my life.

im really just tired of fighting.
so
very
tired

Happiness is as simple as perspective

i decided to start up this blog to compliment my tumblr account, which is largely a collection of pictures to invoke calm and peacefulness.  i realized that being what it is, not many people want to dive into the written aspect of it, unless they are asking me a specific question.
while this wasnt intended to be my first post, considering i have several in draft form, this was what was on my mind most.  and the simple fact is, my mind isnt working the greatest so i wanted to get this out while my brain and fingers were having a moment of cooperation.
see. i suffer from mental illness. what exactly, who knows.  and it doenst really matter.  apples, oranges, pears... they all spoil the same. (just go with it ok)
im actually writing this in the midst of one of my "episodes".  though im still not convinced that im "ill" per say, i do know that something is not right and im not happy at the moment. it also will explain poor spelling and grammar as i tend to have trouble putting things together.  thankfully spellcheck is always available.  i wished life included some sort of spell check for moments like these.  trying to put socks on your hands instead of gloves?  suddenly they highlite in red and it all makes sense.  unfortunately we havent entered the borg era yet. some day.

anyhow.
im losing my focus. in reality, this post has already taken me 3 days to write. why?  because my thoughts shift and morph and suddenly a thought about a lily pad turns into a long winded topic about hippos.  it happens.  story of my life.  or that the words you are typing dont make sense anymore.  you know in your mind what it is youre trying to type but it doesnt come out that way (or does it?) so you have no point of reference and become so jumbled you walk away (read: close the laptop and have a nap)
that and im currently suffering from one of the worst forms of depression i get. the type where you simply dont give a crap.  food has no taste.  you havent done laundry in god knows how long...  wait..is that a stain?  lets just wipe it off and spray it with air freshener.  im not joking.  i wish i were.  the extent of my laundry washing has been to throw the important things in a bucket with some soap, soak overnight, wring out and throw in the dryer.  ive been wearing the same socks for over a month now, rinsing them out, becuase it takes too much energy to sift through the bags upon bags of clothing.
the rest of my life seems to be in just as much disarray.   which is why i found myself staring at the frontier firearms webpages with my credit card. it wasnt even so much that being in that moment was eating at me.  it was knowing full well, that it would come again.  that i would at some point feel fantastic.  better than fantastic.  (as in walking nude in the street and wanting to hug every person proclaiming to be their godly mother and saviour).  right.  being mortal is a horrible thing.  even worse is going from goddess, bypassing mortal and morphing into earthworm.  so much dirt and crap on top of you its not even funny.  and you cant help but feel youve done something wrong.  everything you were working towards, you can no longer maintain.  you let a lot of people down.  you let yourself down.  life stands still.  and to add insult to injury the people that tag along with you (voices, hallucinations, spirits, demons.. whatever) take on a nasty tone.  talk about kicking you while youre down.
so did i buy the gun?  no.  but i would have.  i hit one of those brick walls that im sure i will be thankful for at some point.  right now im not convinced.  and i may have found a loophole but will leave that for now.


i had a point to all of this.

youre probably reading along.  (or not) and thinking i sound rather chipper.  maybe.  text is a funny thing.  tone and inflection can be skewed and taken different ways.  what i am trying to do is turn negatives into positives. not so easy when you have all this stuff flying at you.
humor has always been my frontline defense. even now, i can be amused at something even if it doesnt translate to my face.  it seems whatever tweaked the coordination with my letters and words also messed with my visual emotions.  i may be laughing  a great belly laugh but the wires get crossed somewhere and the smile doesnt get delivered.

and im off track again.

my POINT, is that with all the CRAP that has been dumped on top of me, something cool has happened along the way.  pain is a funny thing.  it always changes a person, but its up to that person how it changes them.  i have been through more than my share of struggles in my lifetime.  i could sit and dwell on every little thing that has gone wrong. the what ifs.  they why mes.  a pity party for one.  dont get me wrong.  i have those days.  but i try not to stay in that space too long. because thats when i start looking donw the barrel of the proverbial gun.
im not the person i was.  and yes, i may have lost a lot along the way.  most people would stop there.  focus on losses.  but what about the gains?  despite the fact that im not particuarly fond of people,  i have a ton of people cheering me on.  some days it doesnt seem like it.  but its because i evolved from the typical self absorbed teen turned adult asshole so many people in society are stuck in.  i may not want to form bonds with people, but im pretty damn intuitive to their needs.  ive grown.  ive become sensitive to all beings.  i exude light and set a good example.  i could have stayed that asshole.  pain changed me for the better, more or less.  i might not like where im at.  i might not know where im going.  but thank god im not where i was.

i need to remind myself this. ive put aside my quest for self destruction, for the moment anyway.  its an option that will always be there. and if im so certain im going down this path again, why not give it one more go and save that option for "next time".

the road ahead may be shrouded in mist. but you will leave a parting tail behind you that will show you where youve been.  remember your foot steps, the ones the took you to high places.  the ones that left you myred down in muck. that ones that took you no where and the ones the left you tripping at every step.
remember these and you will be sure to find your way.