~A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No
matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ...WHO WE ARE.
You are special - don't ever forget it."~
now. thats out of the way.
im happy with who i am. or should i say, with who i was.
But i dont want to go back to who i used to be, if that makes sense.
basically what im trying to say, is. up until my illness really started to affect my life i turned into a pretty awesome person. and i still think i am for the most part. and really, if i could change anything about me, the only thing i would change is the invisible illness that is robbing me of my life.
i love to clean and organize. i cant even wash a fucking spoon right now. i cant do laundry. i forget to eat. i forget to drink. and it would seem i have forgotten how to smile, even when im happy. i dont recognize my blank stare. i used to be so filled with emotion.
all gone. and i cant even rely on my mind most days anymore either. my world has become a series of fun-house mirrors. my senses are no longer trustworthy. Its is so overwhelming sometimes i just cant move. i just cant.
even now. im laying here agonizing to bring the words to life on this page. what used to flow so smoothly now gets fragmented in my brain and many times, rolls off my tongue unedited. thankfully its one of those quirks my coworkers are fondly amused by. but still. its not so funny when you cant control it. Even more frustrating than fragmenting is the comparable words. i either come up with something similar (by sight or spelling) or something that has the same sort of sounds, rhymes, etc.
its no wonder then why i feel the way i do. i give myself the pep talks. the pat on the back, good jobs, keep trudging.
truth is though, right now im freaking tired. each day is so draining. im caught in catch 22. im not able to work to my full potential. most days i dont evenmake it on time. i have trouble connecting a to b. when im baking its a miracle if things actually maike it to the oven, and then shelf. often i find myself putting things in the fridge, cupboard.. etc. i dont want to be at work. i feel if things dont improve my job will once again be in jeopardy. and yet, if i dont work. i cant afford to live.
the fact is right now im not living at all. im not even able to take care of basic daily routines. im not happy and most days im scared and stressed out.
i know this may end. but i also know this is my reality, and its always lurking around every corner ready to take advantage of me.
i dont want to be like this for the rest of my life.
im really just tired of fighting.
so
very
tired
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