as much as i want to sit here and spout off about how my life sucks, truth is it only sucks right now. terribly so, but my life as a whole not so much.
Still, my last two birthdays have sucked the proverbial balls.
and with 29 staring me in the face, i cant help but be reminded where im NOT.
im trying. im trying to be gentle with myself. patient like i am with so many. kind. tolerant.
truth is, im having a really, really hard time. i dont see any way out of this. The meds i take are sucking even more than what im going through. my whole body aches and twitches. my jaw hurts from clenching and ive already chipped a tooth from doing it so hard.
i dont know what else to do.
my birthday, as it were, was great. i couldnt ask for better friends. my coworkers were awesome, and i was able to get out for a bit.
and yet, despite all that, i was in the midst of dealing with my demons. i couldnt enjoy it. i couldnt smile because i had bugs crawling on my face and "things" touching my neck. i couldnt focus on conversations because the damn voices were too loud. i couldnt enjoy a drink because i was shaking too bad to hold the glass and too nauseated to drink it.
im not happy. and im less happy that i cant be happy when i should be.
i think about a lot of things right now. Quitting my job. selling or donating everything. giving up my pets. giving up entirely.
my life, in this moment, sucks entirely, and i dont know how much longer i can cope.
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