words kill

theyre all wrong and i wont ever know the truth

darkness, darkness

Darkness darkness be my pillow
Take my hand let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep

Darkness darkness hide my yearning
For the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Toward the things that cannot see

Darkness darkness long and lonesome
With the day that brings my happiness
I have found the edge of silence
Oh i am in depths of fear

Darkness darkness be my blanket
Cover me with the endless night
Take away (Take away) the pain of your way
Fill the emptiness with light 

Darkness darkness hide my yearning
For the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Toward the things that cannot see

a choir to send me home

Home is the illusion

a choir all around me

spiritual vocals

such soul

carrying me home

but you cant quite get there

some invisible barrier

close your eyes baby girl

close your eyes

and dream of home

they will lift you up

lift the darkness

dont listen to the men

dont worry about the pain

they will soothe all that ails you

the physical

the mental

the spiritual

look at the flames dancing

licking the wax

smell the earth outside

see the glow inside

shadows dancing on stone walls

no cars,

no lights,

no confusion

a choir, a choir,

they are calling for you.

a choir, a choir,

calling to our gods

save us, save us

they sing, come live

in peace and bring

ever lasting love and light

ever lasting 

10 questions

you guys asked questions...  lots of them. so im starting to weed through them.  slowly...

Q:  What were you diagnosed with?

A:   at this point, i dont know.  ive had several diagnosis and they have changed.

Q:  What Medications do you take?

A:  Right now im on Abilify 15 mg, cogentin 2mg, and some sort of sedative 15mg

Q:  What drugs have you been on?

A:  im assuming youre meaning prescription meds.  in that case, too many to list.  but ive been on many of          them.   antidepressants, antipsychotics both in pill form and injections.  my memory is terrible and usually        when im willing to try a new med im not quite right so it escapes me.

Q:  What was the worst thing, regarding your illness, that has ever happened to you?

A:  ugh.  sometimes i get real out of it.   ive had to give up both my dogs.  ive ended up in the hospital.  i dont      know really.  just having those episodes is bad enough

Q:  If you could change having an illness would you?

A:  Short answer is no.

      I am who i am today because of everything.  that is not to say id want to go back and relive any of it.

      ive learned wonderful lessons, met fantastic people who pushed me to be better, i probably have better 

      coping skills for day to day stress than most people.  i am awesome. most days.

Q:  Do you find it hard living on your own having a mental illness?

A:  Yes.  but, im not a social person.  so its a catch 22.  i like being alone but i sometimes dont look after 

      myself so well.

accepting illness

i have a mental illness.

i am sick
the thoughts i have, they may not be accurate.
the things i see, for the most part arent real
the things i feel, usually arent there either
the things i hear, probably are not there.

i have to take medication to be able to live a somewhat "normal" life.
if i dont take it, i may feel good for a while.
hell, i may feel fantastic!

but i will get sick again.   SICK.
i have a brain disorder.

i have an illness.

i will still struggle.

i will still have to ask,
to know whats real and whats not.
to get through each day.
to maintain my independence

i will always have to fight.
to remain vigilant.
to remain strong

i will have weeks where i want to give up,
give in,
bury my head
or not move at all.

i will have weeks where i am hostile,
angry,
argumentative,
and irritable.

i will have weeks where i am so very happy
energetic,
bubbly
productive.

i need to take medications to even me out
i am sick.

i have a mental illness.
i need to remember this

i am sick.
i have a brain disorder


and. thats. ok.


i am not JUST a mentally ill person.
i am not a label.

i am many shades of awesome

i am a warrior.
a fighter.
an artist
a writer
an animal guardian
a mediator
dedicated

I am me.





i am a  survivor

a fallen star, not quite human

there are times like this when i feel i dont belong.  not in the sense that i dont fit into cliques.  i could mingle anywhere if i wanted to.
i mean in the space of the world, time, and solid matter.

i know there is something.  i know i have been chosen as a guardian of the animals.  goddess flows through me and tells the birds to come and watch me.  i am the essence of the trees, the wind, the heavens.  only recently have the demons taken hold.  dragging  me down to hell.  some are visible only momentarily.  some walk among us everyday. a fight between heaven and hell, to save the earth, and this mortal body i have been given becomes the battle ground.

trust no one they say.  they will take the birds from you.  your life blood.  they will rob you of your mission.  they will poison your body, your mind, your spirit.  Do as we say!   return the earth to ever lasting life, rid it of the parasitic vermin that is human.

torn and not knowing.  torn and not trusting.  they are my c omfort and my despair.  my joy and my agony.  i can no longer sort them out.  i can no longer determine who came from what world.  the line is not just blurred, but a funhouse mirror that i can no longer rely on.  time means nothing.  physical boundaries mean niothing.  flesh is but an illusion.  the whold world is living in the matrix so to speak.  i am alive.  i am spirit.  i will be the awakening, the savior, the healer, the destroyer.

what is right and what is not?  im on a little boat in the middle of the stormy sea with no land in sight.  i almost hope to capsize.  i may even help it along.

im so tired of paddling and i want to be able to flow freely again.  the video says it all

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=154232714622998

read this last thing before you decide this is it

a little inspiration, hope, and understanding:

ashes to ashes

and dust to dust,

return my body

to earth i must

beautiful spirit,

cloaked in pain,

feeling her life

start to drain

nothing left,

failed and defeated

among the stars,

she will be greeted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U62YkXZNs8M