confusion

Tactile hallucinations are the worst.   if i hadnt spent so much time confirming they arent real, id say they are, well, real.  even now, feeling the crawling i am having trouble denying the existence of something climbing over me.  

i swat, and i scratch and sometimes i have to get up and pace.  

despite this the last two days have been better.  im on an upswing to to speak due to my own tampering.   

see, ive come to the conclusion that my meds arent BAD per say, but that i cant be on them 100%.  they drag me down, make me feel lifeless, depressed, uninspired.  so.  i stay on them long enough to regulate, go off for a little bit, come up until i start to feel crazy.   its this master plan we have concocted over the last week.  and when i say we i mean me and the little bastards that live in my head.   though im still not entirely convinced this is coming from my own head, that is what ive been told.     

i say we often now.  its a funny thing and i often gets odd looks....    We are going for a walk, we are working with the parrots, WE WE WE.    im never really alone anymore.  it only stands to reason to include them.

maybe i am cracked.  insane, crazy, Psychotic if you want to be politically correct.  maybe ive just gone off the deep end, off my rocker entirely bonkers.  whats the saying?  all the best people are?  ]

more and more i find myself segregated from the general public.  less in common with them.  the funny thing is, that the more i break away, the more i stand out and the more people reach out to me.    maybe its because im learning to embrace my uniqueness (read: insanity)  people find that courage empowering.    theirs something liberating talking about your underwear in front of a store full of strangers.  maybe its because im crazy.  maybe i just dont give a shit anymore.  

i guess my point is, while its sometimes exceedingly difficult to be different.  sometimes crippling, i really wouldnt have it any other way.  im learning to take the good with the bad.  learning to balance my two brain hemispheres and alternate between my dimension and yours.  ideally living on the border of the two worlds. 

so today i got confused over several things.  in hindsight, i really could have had a major meltdown.  but in true Alice fashion, i laughed it off and turned it around.  it didnt make what i was experiencing go away.  but the outcome was better/

i spend a lot of time thinking.   im actually quite introverted.  i like to reflect, and in turn, flip things around so they dont seem so bad.  sometimes i just need a day.  sometimes it seems i need an eternity.  but one thing is certain, if it takes an eternity, i'll spend it trying.