i died today.
i felt you lift me high
the worry drained from my mind
as i closed my weary eyes
the quicksand pulled me under
despite the effort i gave
and i knew what waited for me
my heart began to cave
i no longer fought the darkness
my struggles left me weak
and there i lay in the dead of night
prepared for my final sleep
i died today and left behind
 a thousand weeping hearts
but my own couldnt stand the pain
and was utterly torn apart.
take comfort that we'll meet again
at some point in time and space
know that i am happy now
im in a better place

'humanity" sucks.  this is complete and utter bullshit

mental illness

the demon that stalked her never really went away.
it just crawled into the shadows,
until it was time to play
with her thoughts and feelings 
and skewed her perceptions
turning her mind against her
with cruel deception

confusion

Tactile hallucinations are the worst.   if i hadnt spent so much time confirming they arent real, id say they are, well, real.  even now, feeling the crawling i am having trouble denying the existence of something climbing over me.  

i swat, and i scratch and sometimes i have to get up and pace.  

despite this the last two days have been better.  im on an upswing to to speak due to my own tampering.   

see, ive come to the conclusion that my meds arent BAD per say, but that i cant be on them 100%.  they drag me down, make me feel lifeless, depressed, uninspired.  so.  i stay on them long enough to regulate, go off for a little bit, come up until i start to feel crazy.   its this master plan we have concocted over the last week.  and when i say we i mean me and the little bastards that live in my head.   though im still not entirely convinced this is coming from my own head, that is what ive been told.     

i say we often now.  its a funny thing and i often gets odd looks....    We are going for a walk, we are working with the parrots, WE WE WE.    im never really alone anymore.  it only stands to reason to include them.

maybe i am cracked.  insane, crazy, Psychotic if you want to be politically correct.  maybe ive just gone off the deep end, off my rocker entirely bonkers.  whats the saying?  all the best people are?  ]

more and more i find myself segregated from the general public.  less in common with them.  the funny thing is, that the more i break away, the more i stand out and the more people reach out to me.    maybe its because im learning to embrace my uniqueness (read: insanity)  people find that courage empowering.    theirs something liberating talking about your underwear in front of a store full of strangers.  maybe its because im crazy.  maybe i just dont give a shit anymore.  

i guess my point is, while its sometimes exceedingly difficult to be different.  sometimes crippling, i really wouldnt have it any other way.  im learning to take the good with the bad.  learning to balance my two brain hemispheres and alternate between my dimension and yours.  ideally living on the border of the two worlds. 

so today i got confused over several things.  in hindsight, i really could have had a major meltdown.  but in true Alice fashion, i laughed it off and turned it around.  it didnt make what i was experiencing go away.  but the outcome was better/

i spend a lot of time thinking.   im actually quite introverted.  i like to reflect, and in turn, flip things around so they dont seem so bad.  sometimes i just need a day.  sometimes it seems i need an eternity.  but one thing is certain, if it takes an eternity, i'll spend it trying.

punishment and perseverance

its been a while since ive written anything due to a number of factors, but here i am, writing once more.  i suppose thats a good thing.  means im still here for whatever thats worth.  in this moment, though im still experiencing a lot of difficulties, im glad im here.   so many things took place that could have erased that.   could have erased me.  are things perfect.  no.  far from it, and there are many, MANY times i STILL dont want to be here.  but i have to remember that things arent always bad. and that there are things i can do to help myself.  i have to remember that i have a flock of rescued parrots that i love tremendously that would have nowhere to go without me.   that i hold value in this society. that just because bad things happen to me, does not make me a bad person.  

so right now, im struggling.  i have no idea how im going to make it through.  but i know one thing.  i owe it to myself to keep trying.

Art Therapy

i love to draw.  well.  i love and loathe it all at once.   typically because im so hard on myself when i draw or paint for it not being perfect.   but then what really is.
is it not flaws and imperfections that make us unique?  that million dollar painting with its cheap prints.  basically what i mean is its the quirks and uniqueness that make us valuable.  so many of us are trying to fit in when we were born to stand out.  
i have never fit it.  it has never bothered me though.  

off topic.
but anyway, ive taken up painting again.  im not GREAT.  but i enjoy it. and while im painting my mind isnt focused on demons and monsters and voices that tell me horrible things.

distractions are lovely things.
find one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giOP1o7Mre4

sometimes i wonder what the point of all this is.  
they say im ill.   i still question them but then really i question much these days.
i try and focus on the positives but at THIS moment that all seems a joke. being barraged with comments from my invisible tormentors takes its toll.   each time i enter the tunnel of madness i leave behind pieces of myself.
truth is, im not being positive.    and im tired of people telling me the same things over and over again.     this battle is killing me.   i am dying and its the loneliest fucking fight.     one that people are tiring of.  after all, how many times do you  try and help the same person.?   we cant all be saved.   im so damn tired.    i feel let down.   i feel so deeply sad i wonder if i will ever see happiness again.   i wonder if the me that was has already died.   the best thing that can happen now is that i go quietly in my sleep and happier things await me.    i wont die today.   or even next week.   but i wish i would.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAmPLkcXluY

swamps of sadness

                                  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7KBIMFlRRY


The Neverending Story was probably one of my most favorite movies growing up.

Though one scene, in which Atreyu's horse, Artax, gives up and sinks into the swamps of sadness  still makes me teary eyed.

In the end though, Atreyu triumphed, peace, calm, happiness and a sense of whole was returned.  He even got his horse back.

he didnt give up.  he fought even at times when it seemed there was no point to.  
and things got better.   but only because he kept trying.


Likewise, even though im mired down in the swamp, sinking....    convinced i will never emerge, i have to hold on to hope.  

hope that my luck will swoop down and pluck me from despair.

and i will ride triumphant across the plains of  light, into the next happy chapter of my life.

voices

It can be so overwhelming when the things you are supposed to focus on are so small and faint

compared to everything else.    

every thought is a battle,

every breath is a war

and i dont think

im winning anymore

must. keep. trying

burden

this rut gets deeper
and youre spinning your wheels.
got no motivation and
missing out on  "feels".

the devil has stolen your smile
and replaced it with cast iron fears
you cry a stream of endless,
non existent tears

blank, black frozen, cold,
still and soulless eyes
pleads and bargains
but never ever cries

they say,  "youre gone
already, your soul is dead.
Put a bullet in your
fucking head".

"worthless, useless,
shit and scum!"
more silent and still
you become

overwhelming, dark
despair.  Gasping
choking, pulling hair

shrinking, starting to wilt
drowning in thick black guilt

BURDEN

die.