words kill

theyre all wrong and i wont ever know the truth

darkness, darkness

Darkness darkness be my pillow
Take my hand let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep

Darkness darkness hide my yearning
For the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Toward the things that cannot see

Darkness darkness long and lonesome
With the day that brings my happiness
I have found the edge of silence
Oh i am in depths of fear

Darkness darkness be my blanket
Cover me with the endless night
Take away (Take away) the pain of your way
Fill the emptiness with light 

Darkness darkness hide my yearning
For the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Toward the things that cannot see

a choir to send me home

Home is the illusion

a choir all around me

spiritual vocals

such soul

carrying me home

but you cant quite get there

some invisible barrier

close your eyes baby girl

close your eyes

and dream of home

they will lift you up

lift the darkness

dont listen to the men

dont worry about the pain

they will soothe all that ails you

the physical

the mental

the spiritual

look at the flames dancing

licking the wax

smell the earth outside

see the glow inside

shadows dancing on stone walls

no cars,

no lights,

no confusion

a choir, a choir,

they are calling for you.

a choir, a choir,

calling to our gods

save us, save us

they sing, come live

in peace and bring

ever lasting love and light

ever lasting 

10 questions

you guys asked questions...  lots of them. so im starting to weed through them.  slowly...

Q:  What were you diagnosed with?

A:   at this point, i dont know.  ive had several diagnosis and they have changed.

Q:  What Medications do you take?

A:  Right now im on Abilify 15 mg, cogentin 2mg, and some sort of sedative 15mg

Q:  What drugs have you been on?

A:  im assuming youre meaning prescription meds.  in that case, too many to list.  but ive been on many of          them.   antidepressants, antipsychotics both in pill form and injections.  my memory is terrible and usually        when im willing to try a new med im not quite right so it escapes me.

Q:  What was the worst thing, regarding your illness, that has ever happened to you?

A:  ugh.  sometimes i get real out of it.   ive had to give up both my dogs.  ive ended up in the hospital.  i dont      know really.  just having those episodes is bad enough

Q:  If you could change having an illness would you?

A:  Short answer is no.

      I am who i am today because of everything.  that is not to say id want to go back and relive any of it.

      ive learned wonderful lessons, met fantastic people who pushed me to be better, i probably have better 

      coping skills for day to day stress than most people.  i am awesome. most days.

Q:  Do you find it hard living on your own having a mental illness?

A:  Yes.  but, im not a social person.  so its a catch 22.  i like being alone but i sometimes dont look after 

      myself so well.

accepting illness

i have a mental illness.

i am sick
the thoughts i have, they may not be accurate.
the things i see, for the most part arent real
the things i feel, usually arent there either
the things i hear, probably are not there.

i have to take medication to be able to live a somewhat "normal" life.
if i dont take it, i may feel good for a while.
hell, i may feel fantastic!

but i will get sick again.   SICK.
i have a brain disorder.

i have an illness.

i will still struggle.

i will still have to ask,
to know whats real and whats not.
to get through each day.
to maintain my independence

i will always have to fight.
to remain vigilant.
to remain strong

i will have weeks where i want to give up,
give in,
bury my head
or not move at all.

i will have weeks where i am hostile,
angry,
argumentative,
and irritable.

i will have weeks where i am so very happy
energetic,
bubbly
productive.

i need to take medications to even me out
i am sick.

i have a mental illness.
i need to remember this

i am sick.
i have a brain disorder


and. thats. ok.


i am not JUST a mentally ill person.
i am not a label.

i am many shades of awesome

i am a warrior.
a fighter.
an artist
a writer
an animal guardian
a mediator
dedicated

I am me.





i am a  survivor

a fallen star, not quite human

there are times like this when i feel i dont belong.  not in the sense that i dont fit into cliques.  i could mingle anywhere if i wanted to.
i mean in the space of the world, time, and solid matter.

i know there is something.  i know i have been chosen as a guardian of the animals.  goddess flows through me and tells the birds to come and watch me.  i am the essence of the trees, the wind, the heavens.  only recently have the demons taken hold.  dragging  me down to hell.  some are visible only momentarily.  some walk among us everyday. a fight between heaven and hell, to save the earth, and this mortal body i have been given becomes the battle ground.

trust no one they say.  they will take the birds from you.  your life blood.  they will rob you of your mission.  they will poison your body, your mind, your spirit.  Do as we say!   return the earth to ever lasting life, rid it of the parasitic vermin that is human.

torn and not knowing.  torn and not trusting.  they are my c omfort and my despair.  my joy and my agony.  i can no longer sort them out.  i can no longer determine who came from what world.  the line is not just blurred, but a funhouse mirror that i can no longer rely on.  time means nothing.  physical boundaries mean niothing.  flesh is but an illusion.  the whold world is living in the matrix so to speak.  i am alive.  i am spirit.  i will be the awakening, the savior, the healer, the destroyer.

what is right and what is not?  im on a little boat in the middle of the stormy sea with no land in sight.  i almost hope to capsize.  i may even help it along.

im so tired of paddling and i want to be able to flow freely again.  the video says it all

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=154232714622998

read this last thing before you decide this is it

a little inspiration, hope, and understanding:

ashes to ashes

and dust to dust,

return my body

to earth i must

beautiful spirit,

cloaked in pain,

feeling her life

start to drain

nothing left,

failed and defeated

among the stars,

she will be greeted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U62YkXZNs8M

Alice and the mad hatter

Tonight is not a good night.  

descending into madness.

demons

fear.

 on edge.  like horses just before a quake. residual instinct of foreboding doom.

jaws clenched, body stiff.

mind swirling.  

madness.

on but it cannot be so!

torn between being the great goddess to save the world and self loathing.  on odd mix that is leaving me agitated, depressed, and restless.

no desire to eat.  food has no taste.  everything is grey.   mind is bursting with color.  dancing, twisting, fireworks.  

downpour of tears that just will not flow.

"youre sick, youre paranoid, this is the worst youve ever been"

no.  i dont fucking trust you.

demons.  monsters, death, decay, crawling, creeping, twisting, writhing, its all in your mind?

NO

racing, faster and faster.  you go to talk but the words zip around with butter.  you cannot grasp them.  they fail you.

twirling, swirling, round and round, leaves in the wind,  stormy day, heart racing, pulse pounding, sitting still, eyes fixed, unaware until

hand on your shoulder, wet, heavy, smell the breath.  dead mans boots down the hall, shoe chains rattle, stomp stomp stomp.  closer.   

closer.

goosebumps

chills

dont dare to breath.

dont make a sound.

skin crawling.  clawing, scratching, digging, thrashing, pleading, praying

aching head, tired eyes, go to bed, you couldnt if you tried.

.  dog is gone.  you failed, birds are life what if they are next?    

paralyzing, crippling, dying, shriveling, forgetting, confusion

time, back and forth, memories mean nothing.  

make it stop.

go away.

silence, stillness, calm, peace, ease.

let alice come home.

ANGRY?! give 'em Hell !!

This wasnt a topic i first thought necessary to write. Anger for me is a funny thing.  its usually directed inward.  i dont get angry easily.

i was thinking of this at work today.  i waitress.

it was busy.  we were down one staff member at peek hours.  there were some that were lazing around, or simply neglecting things that needed doing.  

Customers were getting impatient, cranky, and frustrated.

there was garbage all over the floor, the tables were filled with garbage, some customers had noisy children, some were talking on phones and ignoring us, and the phone kept ringing.  

it would have been perfectly acceptable for me to pout, get angry and snap at everyone.  Let them see how they like it!  

But i didnt.

instead of tearing my hair out,

instead of yelling at the people ringing the phone constantly,

instead of screaming at the customers when they snapped at me or werent paying attention,

i smiled.

i made them feel welcome.  

i listened to them rant, i let them be heard.

in the end, the only person we have control over is ourselves.  but we can alter someones day by our own attitudes.  in the 7 years i have worked there, i have not had one complaint from a customer.  why? because i am not reactive.

By choosing not to react to a certain situation, you are in a sense defusing a bomb.  there are so many reasons why a smile can be positive.

1.  you have no idea why this person is upset.  your smile may be the best thing they have had all day.  be a ray of sun in someones day.

2. anger + anger = lesson?  no.  when people are angry they very often dont hear anything until theyve calmed down.  smiling and listening lets them vent until they are ready to hear you. by arguing you are only escalating the problem, not helping to solve it.

3. you can avoid causing yourself a headache by "going with the flow".  that doesnt mean the other person is right, it just means that you are mature enough to know when to clam up.  smile and be on your way, it means you are the bigger person.  does arguing and "making your point" really get you anywhere?  

actions speak louder than words more often anyway

im probably going around in circles here.  but my point is, even though today was a bit stressful, i  (yes I) could have caused it to be far worse.  instead i smiled, helped people, made them smile, and in return they always treat me with the same respect i gave them.

a smile can make the world a better place. 

count back from infinity and laugh quietly to yourself

today was about having fun.
sometimes, in the act of recovery, we take things so seriously.  we have a task and we aim to meet it.  we forget about all the in between.


my intention was to just get my hair cut.  simple.  cut and come home.
but i decided to do something.   i went shopping.

i picked out my elf costume for the fire hall party that im doing for the kids.  ( I still dont know what im thinking but we will see anyway)

                                         

i bought some of my favorite jelly beans..  the gourmet kind.

I ate food at a restaurant

and i witnessed the most beautiful sky ever.   i truly believe heaven was smiling down upon me

while im still focused on recovery, im not focused on it.  and thats the point.  im simply being.  whatever that entails.  good, bad, or otherwise. 

 I am not "recovery".   I am me,  in all my glory.  

I feel good, na na na na not

so good, so good,

wait.

My mind is buzzing.  good is not the word i would use.  actually it feels like im being prodded along by some invisible force.  im not quite sure what this is...

.. the last three mornings ive woken up at 230.  wide awake, no way was there any chance of going back to sleep. my thoughts are focused on a house. and big dreams of building parrot aviaries, coffee shops etc.  my pirate business will be amazing. yet as i sit here, with only my thoughts able to move, i scold my other self. and yet, comforted.  as this person has been gone far too long.

so apparently i have a house in the works, and am already thinking of building outdoor enclosures for the birds.  ones like this:

  Red and 42 would agree with me.  7 would declare that hell will swallow me whole and that i couldnt do much more that crawl out of bed in the morning let alone buy a house.   

we will see.  for now, im going to try and clean. thsi energy is unsettling.  its not my own.  a negative drive with tones of sorrow amplified.  anotherwords , tasmanian devil going at the speed of light only to dig itself into the ground.  

NO!  

youre going the wrong way! 

i want to go UP.  Up Up Up!!!

you have this tone about you, an odd air of importance and utter self loathing all rolled into a nice package.  

self destruction cannot be an option.  

A very Unhappy birthday to me

whats a number?  what does it mean?  age?

as much as i want to sit here and spout off about how my life sucks, truth is it only sucks right now.  terribly so, but my life as a whole not so much.

Still, my last two birthdays have sucked the proverbial balls.
and with 29 staring me in the face, i cant help but be reminded where im NOT.

im trying.  im trying to be gentle with myself.  patient like i am with so many.  kind.  tolerant.
truth is, im having a really, really hard time.   i dont see any way out of this.  The meds i take are sucking even more than what im going through.  my whole body aches and twitches.   my jaw hurts from clenching and ive already chipped a tooth from doing it so hard.

i dont know what else to do.

my birthday, as it were, was great.  i couldnt ask for better friends.  my coworkers were awesome, and i was able to get out for a bit.
and yet, despite all that, i was in the midst of dealing with my demons.  i couldnt enjoy it.  i couldnt smile because i had bugs crawling on my face and "things" touching my neck.  i couldnt focus on conversations because the damn voices were too loud.  i couldnt enjoy a drink because i was shaking too bad to hold the glass and too nauseated to drink it.

im not happy.  and im less happy that i cant be happy when i should be.

i think about a lot of things right now.  Quitting my job.  selling or donating everything.  giving up my pets.  giving up entirely.

my life, in this moment, sucks entirely, and i dont know how much longer i can cope.

These are a few of my favorite things...

tonight i got nothing

im in serious crises mode.

i could list everything that is going on, but thats not overly helpful.

when im grasping at air all i have are jellybeans.
jellybeans?

i have this stash of halloween candy. i always buy it when it comes on sale. i get low blood sugar fairly frequently and its handy to have and cart around.
im particularly fond of gourmet jelly beans.  aside from the watermelon flavored ones, which i have obvious betrayal issues with.

my point is, im sitting here, and i reached for this bag of jellybeans.  they took my focus off things, even though it was just for a moment.
sometimes we have to reach out and grasp anything, no matter how small.    now im not condoning the use of food to cope, that wasnt my point.  that is another matter entirely.

i could have done any number of things.  a hot bath, a walk, music.  but in that moment, it was jelly beans.
they brought me back to myself.  long enough that i could reach out for more support.

so this left me thinking about what else makes me happy. and what can i use as a go to when i need a distraction
and so.  in no particular order, here they be:

*the smell of parrot feathers
*the texture of tree bark over my palms
*hot sand on my feet and hands
*warm sun on my back
*the sound of water lapping at the shore
*the first cup of coffee in the morning
*cherry cheesecake
*disney cartoons
*building parrot toys
*listening to appropriate music
*watching youtube clips (when able)
*walking in the woods, listening to the sounds of the forest
*snuggling with Kramer
*watching my fish swim around
*Le awesome jelly beans
*drooly naps


for now, my body is wanting to go to bed.  so im going to listen to it. hopefully get some sleep.
i want out so bad.  but there is always tomorrow.

serious talk: getting worse/winter curse.

The weather has me in a  funk today.  '

im not doing well. i havent been for some time now. despite the distraction, the pushes, the baby steps.    i feel like im drowning.  i feel like im stuck in quick sand and cant wiggle out, just sinking further.

i went out with the girls after work today.  we shopped.  we went to the tattoo shop.  

i had drawn out some designs but was getting frustrated with one in particular.  it was a tree my friend had wanted with her childrens names on it for branches.  the tree was barren, sad, angry.  it needed to be fixed.  i suppose it was a reflection of my mood.  

i have never felt so desperate. so defeated.  

though i try to put on a brave face, "it a'int workin'."  none of its working.  the meds, no. the only thing i have noticed is my ability to speak clearer has come back to some extent.  but even today i noticed that taking a backwards slide.  the meds are causing tremors.  substantial weight gain, nausea, vomiting, and at times, blackouts.    im even less impressed at this.  though, what does one do?

everyone around me if i were to talk about it would tell me to hold on, give it a go.  give it one more chance, you can do it!

or even the, "its a your choice."

none of that is helpful.  if anything it makes me angry and as though what im going through is being trivialized as something superficial.

im watching the snow fall here out my window.  i hate the cold.  my circulation isnt so great anymore and the slightest cold spell makes me fingers and toes ache so bad.  the short, dark days leave my already dismal mood sinking into utter despair.  and now on top of feeling depressed, i feel sick and heavy. 

some things theres no coming back from.  

some would argue ive been worse.  i would say that my coping strategies have been worse and far more public.  

things were bad enough last week that i resorted to trying to hang myself.  the cord snapped just before i passed out.  I had wanted to try again, but i was persuaded to talk it out.  generally this would be where i start to push myself and start feeling a bit better.  

i didnt get that shift this time. 

 i only kept sinking. 

my desperation level has reached crises point.

i have everything in order for this such moment.  i have things in place for the critters.  i have rent money stashed and paid up.  

im tired.   

feeling miserable? Let loose!

I slept like a baby last night, yet, despite that, woke up feeling like shit.  Not only was i immediately hit with, " Do i really have to fight with things again today?!", but the last 3 mornings I've been blessed with vomiting and  an upset stomach.
my head hurt, my legs were shaking and my demons were in fine form ready to terrorize me as soon as i opened my eyes.
my initial reaction was to reach for the phone, and call in sick
but i didnt.

why?
I have always been a fighter.  there are certainly days i need my down time.  days that a call in to work is warranted.  but i had a few days off and it was time to get back on the proverbial bike before fear kept me off forever.

so i went to work.  it was hard, but i tried to have fun.

how do you make work fun?

my coworker and i played ringalo pong (which consisted of me stuffing a paper cup in my shirt and catching said ringalos.

we watched a young coworker "twerk" to some random song.

the list goes on, but my point is, when i look back on today, im not going to remember much of the crappy stuff.  im going to remember the silly things we did today.  and the crumbs in my bra that im still fishing out.

im still struggling.  but im holding on to the hope that it will get better.  and while im waiting, im doing a few little things to try and make the shift.
one of the things i have to constantly remind myself is to take my meds.  even if i they make me feel bad about taking them.

and if i have to hold a twerking contest with a young coworker to make me smile, then i will.  even if it seems foolish.

laughter is life.

A distraction by any other name

Distractions are a necessity in my life.  more at times like these than others.
but its important to choose the right kind.

"whatchu takin' bout Alice?"

what i mean is that if youre suffering from depression movies can be good but dont pop in a sad movie.  likewise, if you are having troubles winding down, you may not want to go for a job* after dinner.  Its all about finding the perfect fit to your needs.

 (*edit:  clearly i meant JOG, but im leaving this here because A: its funny and B: it gives you an idea what i deal with daily and what happens when spell check is not enough)

Videos arent something i have been able to do in a long time.  Ive probably watched 4 movies since christmas 2012.  and not much more in the way of tv shows.  Its a struggle i have with whatever is going in with me.  usually what i start out with is not what i end up viewing.  Shrek turns into something a bit more than the anticipated childrens fantasy story.  so i avoid it at all costs.
sometimes though i like to listen.  i "watched" some pretty inspirational talks this morning on Ted talks.  I do much of the things they were talking about, but still, to hear someone validate what i already believe and practice was a nice feeling.  it made me feel good.  and in that moment, thats what i needed.  it  served the purpose.  it was a great distraction.
you can find links to those talks here:  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html?utm_source=email&source=email&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=ios-share

and here:    http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html?utm_source=email&source=email&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=ios-share


so what else do i do to get through the next hour, day, week?  Music.  music is my soul.  even when im not listening to music, i play it in my head.  over and over.  i have play lists created so all i have to do is click on the list appropriate to my feelings.  or grab my MP3 player and go.  this one is new to me, i was never able to take music on the go before.  yesterday i gave it a whirl and took the dog around the block, aside from having my sugar plummet (some distractions work so well i forget to eat) i (dare i say) almost enjoyed the walk.

the kind of music you listen to depends on what you like. but again.  if youre depressed, listening to wailing country blues may not be the best idea.
what do i like?  a bit of everything, but instrumentals are my fav.  especially the ones that bring you up to the heavens.   the music gives this spirit her wings back, even just for the moment.
here are some of my favorites, this could get you started on your own list, and what works for you  (:


 crysis 2 epilogue    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUoyo1QNlpY
Nara E.S. Posthumus   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHX15B4fmiI
where is my mind (cover)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmaxAMD6GL4
everyday   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCObXuAwCIA
celtic fairy realm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5PArwaVj2w
hopeless wanderer  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ptM0B4tcWM
i will wait  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5HO-X_fR7o
anything could happen  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnjBXFVd0Uo
dirty paws  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgn8Eoh9aSY
little talks  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghb6eDopW8I

and my all time fav.... drum roll please.....( for the song that brings me home)

Merlin theme  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esSPrIIG7A0



love always,
Alice

A Process, not Perfection

Even though i've mostly left the eating disorder part of my illness rolling miles behind me in the dust, i still follow Kati Morton, who specializes in various eating disorders.  Shes got some good advice, and not just on eating habits, but on all mental health maladies.

 One of my favorite quotes from her, and one of the most helpful, is "Recovery is a Process, not Perfection."

shes got a lot of other cool advice too, and along with my therapist, and support worker, and my own work, i can do this.  that doesnt mean things are always going to be 100%. and thats OK.

even if i only do one thing today, i have to remember im doing the best i can, and that i have to learn to listen to my inner voice and not the ones that torment me.

"we have to fight back....."       And fight i must.  my life depends on it.  

today was the start of a new day.  My support worker and i cleaned.  We may not have got to everything.  but we worked on things.  A process. even if i just do one thing tomorrow, thats a step.  and if im not able to do anything, thats ok too.  

It also brings me back to focusing on what im thankful for.  So many people never get the help they so desperately need.  either due to shortages or not reaching out.  Im one of the lucky ones.  Im lucky that i have people who are willing to help.  People who dive right into a sink of dirty dishes because they want to make a difference.

So im thankful i have people in my life who are committed to helping me on my path to recovery.  

Im still not out of the woods, but im trying to take steps to keep myself safe.  Its not easy.  and even less so when i have things tormenting me and driving me to the brink.  But i have to try.  I HAVE to.

i just need to remember, this too shall pass.

for anyone wishing or needing the extra support you can find the links to Kati's pages below.

FaceBook:  https://www.facebook.com/katimorton1

Youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzBYOHyEEzlkRdDOSobbpvw

Tumblr:  http://katimorton.tumblr.com/

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/KatiMorton

Website:  http://www.katimorton.com/

Dont ever give up.  there is always, ALWAYS hope.  

H.old   O.n, P.ain  E.nds

<3

therapist google

i find it amusing that with everything going on, google is celebrating Hermann Rorschachs 129 birthday.

so wanna know what i see?  here we go...

this is a torso.  burned.  charred.   ribs, pelvic bones, etc.

also anatomy.  pelvis.  not quite human.  probably from one of those fuckers that torments me

the body of the fairy demons.  enlarged hips, wings, chest

clubbed foot baby x-ray

conjoined twins. in a science experiment.  heads wired together at the top, maybe some sort of electrodes. still alive, spitting out blood.  

so there you have it google.  whats your diagnosis?

terror. serious talk

Sometimes i cant be positive.
sometimes all i have is my writing and my experiences flow from my fingertips.
Right now those experiences are dragging me under.
choking me.
smothering me.
drowning me, and,
clawing at me with thick damp hands.

does it ever end?