serious talk: getting worse/winter curse.

The weather has me in a  funk today.  '

im not doing well. i havent been for some time now. despite the distraction, the pushes, the baby steps.    i feel like im drowning.  i feel like im stuck in quick sand and cant wiggle out, just sinking further.

i went out with the girls after work today.  we shopped.  we went to the tattoo shop.  

i had drawn out some designs but was getting frustrated with one in particular.  it was a tree my friend had wanted with her childrens names on it for branches.  the tree was barren, sad, angry.  it needed to be fixed.  i suppose it was a reflection of my mood.  

i have never felt so desperate. so defeated.  

though i try to put on a brave face, "it a'int workin'."  none of its working.  the meds, no. the only thing i have noticed is my ability to speak clearer has come back to some extent.  but even today i noticed that taking a backwards slide.  the meds are causing tremors.  substantial weight gain, nausea, vomiting, and at times, blackouts.    im even less impressed at this.  though, what does one do?

everyone around me if i were to talk about it would tell me to hold on, give it a go.  give it one more chance, you can do it!

or even the, "its a your choice."

none of that is helpful.  if anything it makes me angry and as though what im going through is being trivialized as something superficial.

im watching the snow fall here out my window.  i hate the cold.  my circulation isnt so great anymore and the slightest cold spell makes me fingers and toes ache so bad.  the short, dark days leave my already dismal mood sinking into utter despair.  and now on top of feeling depressed, i feel sick and heavy. 

some things theres no coming back from.  

some would argue ive been worse.  i would say that my coping strategies have been worse and far more public.  

things were bad enough last week that i resorted to trying to hang myself.  the cord snapped just before i passed out.  I had wanted to try again, but i was persuaded to talk it out.  generally this would be where i start to push myself and start feeling a bit better.  

i didnt get that shift this time. 

 i only kept sinking. 

my desperation level has reached crises point.

i have everything in order for this such moment.  i have things in place for the critters.  i have rent money stashed and paid up.  

im tired.